Funny Stuff My Family Sez

I come from a family of immigrants. Learning a new language is hard, but it creates some hilarious moments. On Facebook, I posted the following status update:

David Walker: "Even if they [interest rates] don’t go up, the single largest line item in the federal budget within 12 years will be interest on the federal debt -- larger than defense, larger than Medicare, larger than Social Security. And what do we get for that? Nothing."

Below it, I said, "This Halloween, I'm thinking about going as the federal debt."

A friend of mine, Ziem, responded, "Don't. You'll be gang-raped by people dressed as special interests."

I read his comment while my family and I were dining in a semi-formal restaurant with my 21 year-old cousin, my aunt, and my uncle, who were visiting from Iran. The following transcript doesn't do the scene justice, but it's the best I can do. I hope you'll be entertained as much as we were:

Me: [cracking up]

Everyone: "What's so funny?"

Me: "Um, how do I explain this? Well, let's see if he [pointing to my cousin] can understand this, because it's complicated, but at least we can test his English."

"Do you know what a budget is?

Cousin: "No."

[Parents explain what it is, he gets it]

Me: "What about a deficit?"

Cousin: "No."

[Parents explain what it is, he gets it]

Me: "Do you know what "special interests" are?"

Cousin: "No."

Dad: "We don't have those in the Iranian political process, so he won't know what that is." [Tries to explain "special interests" to my cousin]

Cousin: [smiles] "Ah, you mean like the mullahs?" [religious leaders]

Me: "Yes! Good job!" [I tell him about my status update and Halloween costume proposal]

"Do you get it?"

Cousin: "Yes."

Me: [I repeat Ziem's comment, but use "hit" instead of "g*ng r*pe."]

[Everyone laughs]

Me: "I told you 'hit,' but it's even funnier with the actual word my friend used."

Everyone: "What word did your friend use?"

Me: "Think of a word that's worse than 'hit.'"

Mom: Does it start with the letter, "f"?

Me: [caught off-guard, but manage to shake my head]

Dad: "Kill"?

Uncle: "I think I know what it is." [Turns out later that he didn't.]

Cousin: "What letter does it start with?"

Me: "Hmm, well it's two words. I don't think you'll get it, but I'll try anyway. It starts with an 'r.'"

Cousin: "R*pe?"

Me: "Yeah, but it's worse than that. Think multiple people."

Cousin: [confused] "What's the other letter?"

Me: "It starts with a 'g.'"

Cousin: "G*ngb*ng"?

Me and Dad: [start laughing hysterically]

Mom: [looks confused, turns to my cousin and asks] "What's a 'g*ngb*ng'?"

Cousin: [looks at me, starts cracking up]

Me: [I can't stop laughing and leave the table for the next 10 minutes. When I come back, no one mentions the conversation, but people are smiling.]