Nadiya

Funny Blog

This is a hilarious fake advice column. Make sure you read the one about the coworker who is never satisfied with his food. (Search for "lunch date.") I almost died laughing.

Old American Bills

This is what American money used to look like. Beautiful, isn't it?

I saw the money at a great donut shop in Campbell, CA. If you want to see for yourself, here is the address:

Maple Leaf Donuts
2329 S Winchester Blvd
Campbell, CA 95008

Sarah Palin's Greatest Hits

Advice from a Spokane, WA Public Defender

The following was posted on craigslist on "2009-04-26, 7:43AM PDT." It's fascinating, because it shows you the side of law most people don't hear from--the under-appreciated and overworked public defender. Enjoy.

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE F*** UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There's just no need to babble on like it's a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you're charged with a DUI, don't wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the "UniBonger" on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I'm a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won't find a loophole or technicality for you, so don't be pissed off. I didn't beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don't be too surprised by your limited options and that I'm the one telling you about them.

Don't think you'll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I'm not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don't think I'm amused when you flirt or offer to "do me." You can't successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I'm not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing sh*t. I do wish you'd stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren't allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right: neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don't leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don't leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don't leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don't leave a note saying that you're sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket, dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don't be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That's not harassment, that's good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You're out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The b*tch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.

Tasers

A police officer, whom I consider a friend, recently pointed me to a taser that also records all incidents. See here for more on the Taser Axon. Although the Taser Axon is a step in the right direction, I dislike the ease with which the public has allowed these weapons to the police. We can argue about whether the taser is a potentially lethal device--many police officers will tell you that the taser only kills people who are on drugs or who have serious pre-existing conditions; however, tasers can and have killed people, making it a deadly device. After all, just because you shoot someone in the leg with a gun doesn't mean a gun is non-lethal, right?

Some people might argue that even if tasers and guns are both potentially lethal, it is clearly better for officers to use tasers instead of guns. I am not sure I agree. It is too tempting to resort to taser use instead of less violent means to subdue someone. Most human beings, when given an easier way to do a task, will take the easier route. That's the basis behind most innovation--making hard tasks easier. For example, once you get a washing machine, you won't wash clothes by hand, even if hand-washing will prolong the clothes' durability. By the same token, the taser makes subduing people much easier and much quicker. In the past, an officer might have tried to talk someone out of doing something or tried to explain why he was doing something, but now, there is no need. At the first sign of trouble, the officer can claim someone is resisting arrest and then use the taser.

Opinions on tasers vary, but perhaps we can analyze the issue through a few questions:

1. If the taser isn't an option, how should an officer react when someone fails to obey his/her commands immediately?

2. How did officers control and subdue people who disobeyed them pre-taser days? Has there been a significant change in officer safety since the introduction of the taser? What about citizen safety?

I think the answers to the questions above dictate how we feel about tasers.

Muhammad Ali: The Whole Story

I recently watched Muhammad Ali -- The Whole Story (1996), an incredible six hours journey through the life of Muhammad Ali. Here are some of my thoughts:

1. The only boxer who could go toe-to-toe with Ali was Ken Norton. No one else could handle Ali without getting beaten badly. When Ali was in his prime, only Joe Frazier and Ken Norton beat him. There are differences, however, in how Frazier and Norton won their fights. For example, Joe Frazier may have beaten Ali, but Frazier could not avoid getting hit. As a result, every time he and Ali fought, Ali's face looked clean as a whistle, while Frazier's face looked like it had been through a meat grinder. Meanwhile, Norton actually broke Ali's jaw in one fight.

2. Ali was successful at every stage of his career. He won an Olympic gold medal; won numerous amateur boxing awards; and beat every single serious professional contender through the age of 37 years old. When he went professional, he won the heavyweight championship three times, something no one else has ever done.

3. When George Foreman was younger, he seemed like nothing more than a surly thug. At one point, we see Foreman walking with his entourage in Zaire prior to the "Rumble in the Jungle." Someone, presumably a fan, asks to shake Foreman's hand, but Foreman's friend keeps her away and then happily reports he told her "she could shake my hand." Foreman sees what has happened and keeps walking. It is impossible to imagine the gregarious Muhammad Ali behaving similarly towards any of his fans. It is also incredible how Foreman completely reinvented himself in his old age, transforming from a reserved thug to a grandfatherly figure who sells fat-reducing cooking grills.

4. Before Larry Holmes became heavyweight champion, he was Muhammad Ali's training partner.

5. Were it not for Muhammad Ali, we would all be talking about Joe Frazier. When Frazier was young, he wasn't just an incredibly tough boxer--he was also gregarious and fun. Whereas other boxers took Muhammad Ali's comments seriously, Frazier played along with Ali. At one point, Frazier even tried to up Muhammad Ali's star power by singing a poem, and he displayed a surprisingly soulful voice.

6. When Ali was young, he was so quick, no one could hit him. After fifteen rounds in the ring, Ali's face would be unmarked. That's why he kept saying, "I'm pretty." Richard Pryor once remarked, "His punches are so fast you don't see 'em until they're coming back." It's hard to really understand the power and grace of Ali's speed until you see someone trying to hit him and failing miserably.

7. Ali's poetry: "I'm so bad, I make medicine sick."